October 11 2007
Ed. Note: The below is satire. I had a lovely reader send me an email with the belief that this might be true and not an “onion” like satire piece. So, just to make sure I don’t get any slander lawsuits, please read the below understanding my tongue is firmly planted in cheek.)
Ripped straight from the AP newswire, noted faith healer Benny Hinn reports that he is stopping the use of his faith healing and moving towards an integrative use of wine to cure his followers.
He notes, “Today’s article from the U.K. indicating that wine can prevent stomach ulcers and food poisoning culminates 50 out of 52 weeks in which a new research study has come out touting the health benefits of wine. I now believe that wine is a cure-all for virtually all of the ailments of the human body. I believe that God is moving his divine intervention from blessed mortals like myself to that of simple table wine. I now plan on providing massive quantities of wine at my faith healing ministry. The below list represents just a mere sampling of what I believe wine can do as a cure-all and I’m pleased to be able to expand my healing as some health problems like restless leg syndrome and nail fungus have proven difficult for my healing touch.”
In other news, Fred Franzia, an alleged gout sufferer, has announced a strategic alliance between his company, Bronco Wine Company, and Benny Hinn Ministries. An insider reports they are planning to jointly bring a new wine to market called “Tithe Tipple.”
Hinn partial menu of wine healing services (Ala Carte)
Allergies
Allergy, Anaphylaxis (Severe Allergic Reaction), Chronic Rhinitis, Cold / Flu / Allergies, Food Allergy, Hives, Latex Allergy, Sinusitis
Alzheimer’s
Alzheimer’s Disease, Alzheimer’s Warning Signs, Bladder Incontinence, Dementia, Senior Health
Arthritis
Ankylosing Spondylitis, Fibromyalgia, Gout, Lupus, Osteoarthritis, Psoriatic Arthritis, Reactive Arthritis, Rheumatoid Arthritis
Asthma
Air Filtration, Asthmatic Complexities, Asthma,
Cancer
Cancer Causes, Cancer Detection, Cancer - General, Brain Tumor, Bladder Cancer, Breast Cancer, Cervical Cancer, Colon Polyps, Liver Cancer, Lung Cancer, Pancreatic Cancer, Prostate Cancer, Skin Cancer, Testicular Cancer
Cholesterol
Cholesterol, Fiber, HDL, LDL, Heart, Stroke Prevention, Triglycerides
Chronic Pain
Acupuncture, Acute and Chronic Pain, Cortisone Injection, Degenerative Disc, Low Back Pain
Cold & Flu
Aches, Pain, Fever, Chronic Cough, Cold, Flu, Allergy: (OTC Remedies), Common Cold, Encephalitis and Meningitis, Eustachian Tube Problems, Flu (Influenza), Flu Vaccination, Immunizations, Pneumonia, Pneumonia Vaccination, SARS, Sinusitis, Sore Throat, Strep Throat, Tonsillitis and Adenoiditis
Depression
Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Dysthymia, Panic Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), Stress
Diabetes
Diabetes Mellitus, Diabetic Home Care and Monitoring, Diabetes Insipidus, Insulin, Insulin Pump
Digestion
Abdominal Pain, Appendicitis, Ulcerative Colitis, Constipation, Crohn’s Disease, Diarrhea, Dyspepsia (Indigestion), Inflammatory Bowel Disease (IBD), Intestinal Gas, GERD (Heartburn, Acid Reflux), Hemorrhoids, Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS), Lactose Intolerance, Laxatives for Constipation, Motion Sickness, Ulcerative Colitis
Disease Prevention
Disease Prevention, Exercise & Activity, First Aid, Home and Family, Nutrition: Healthy Eating, Obesity
Eyesight
Cataracts, Eye Allergy, Eye Care, Glaucoma, LASIK Eye Surgery, Macular Degeneration, Pink Eye (Conjunctivitis), Retinal Detachment, Sjogren’s Syndrome
Hearing
Deafness, Eustachian Tubes, Ear Wax, Hearing Loss, Tinnitus, Vertigo (Dizziness)
Heart
Angina, Atherosclerosis Prevention, Congenital Heart Disease, Coronary Angiogram, Coronary Angioplasty, Coronary Artery Bypass, Heart Attack, Heart Murmurs, Heart Palpitations, High Cholesterol, Stroke
Hepatitis C
Cirrhosis of the Liver, Essential Mixed Cryoglobulinemia, Hepatitis B, Hepatitis C, Hepatitis A and B Immunizations, Jaundice, Lichen Planus, Liver Cancer, Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphomas
High Blood Pressure
High Blood Pressure (Hypertension), Pulmonary Hypertension
HIV
Acquired Immunodeficiency Disease (AIDS) and Human Immunodeficiency Virus (HIV),
Liver
Cirrhosis of the Liver, Non-alcoholic Fatty Liver, Hemochromatosis (Iron Overload), Hepatitis B, Hepatitis C, Jaundice, Liver Blood Tests, Primary Biliary Cirrhosis (PBC), Primary Sclerosing Cholangitis (PSC)
Lungs
Asthma, Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease (COPD), Emphysema, Lung Cancer, Pneumonia, Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome (SARS), Smoker’s Lung Photo Essay, Smoking and Quitting Smoking
Menopause
Depression, Hormone Creams, Hormone Replacement Therapy, Hot Flashes - Alternative Treatments, Menopause, Vitamin and Calcium Supplements
Men’s Health
Angina, Benign Prostatic Hyperplasia (BPH), Erectile Dysfunction (Impotence), Hair Loss (Baldness), Prostate Cancer, Prostatitis, Sexually Transmitted Diseases, Testicular Cancer, Vasectomy, Viagra
Mental Health
Acute Stress Disorder, How To Eat Smart, Postpartum depression, Social Phobia, What Makes Marriage Work?
Migraine Headaches
Cluster Headaches, Headache, Migraine Headaches and Prevention, Tension Headache
Osteoporosis
Bone Density, Calcium Supplements, Estradiol, Hormone Replacement Therapy, Menopause, Osteoporosis Prevention
Pediatrics / Healthy Kids
Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD), Bedwetting, Birth Defects, Chickenpox, Colic, Diaper Rash, Lactose Intolerance, Nosebleeds, Pink Eye, Measles, Mumps, Tonsillectomy, Vaccinations and Immunizations
Rheumatoid Arthritis
Arthroscopy, Celebrex, Cortisone Injection, Remicade, Total Hip Replacement, Total Knee Replacement
Senior Health
Alzheimer’s Disease, Anemia, Angina, Cataracts, Dementia, Glaucoma, Macular Degeneration, Hearing Loss, Heart Attack Prevention, Osteoporosis, Sleep Disturbance, Stroke, Wrinkles
Skin
Acne, Actinic Keratosis, Atopic Dermatitis (Eczema), Boils, Bumps and Bruises, Burns, Dandruff, Hives, Itch, Keloid, Melanoma, Nail Fungus, Poison Ivy, Psoriasis, Rash (Dermatitis), Rosacea, Scleroderma, Shingles, Skin Cancer, Warts, Wrinkles
Sleep
Insomnia, Jet Lag, Narcolepsy, Sleep, Sleep Apnea, Snoring (Somnoplasty)
Thyroid
Hyperthyroidism, Hypothyroidism, Hypothyroidism During Pregnancy, Synthroid (levothyroxine sodium), Thyroid Cancer, Thyroid Nodules
Urology
Blood In Urine (Hematuria), Cystinuria, Interstitial Cystitis, Kidney Stone, Prostatitis, Urinalysis, Urinary Incontinence, Urinary Tract Infections
Weight Loss & Management
Anorexia Nervosa, Bulimia, Calories Burned During Exercise, Cellulite, Obesity and Weight Loss, Weight Loss
Women’s Health
Birth Control, Breast Cancer, Breastfeeding, Hormone Therapy, Hysterectomy, Menopause, Miscarriage, Osteoporosis, Ovarian Cancer, Ovarian Cysts, PMS (Premenstrual Syndrome), Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs), Uterine Cancer, Varicose Veins, Yeast Infections
For more (legitimate) medical news, see the following links:
Wine & Diabetes
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